{"id":486,"date":"2020-03-03T22:08:06","date_gmt":"2020-03-03T22:08:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/?p=486"},"modified":"2020-03-31T11:14:55","modified_gmt":"2020-03-31T15:14:55","slug":"blog1","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/blog1\/","title":{"rendered":"We Need to Talk"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<div class=\"alignfull wp-block-ugb-container ugb-container ugb-ca4afd9 ugb-container--v2 ugb-container--design-basic ugb-main-block\" id=\"\"><style>.ugb-ca4afd9-wrapper.ugb-container__wrapper{background-color:#253548 !important}.ugb-ca4afd9-content-wrapper.ugb-container__content-wrapper{width:100% !important}.ugb-ca4afd9-wrapper.ugb-container__wrapper:before{background-color:#253548 !important}.ugb-ca4afd9 h1,.ugb-ca4afd9 h2,.ugb-ca4afd9 h3,.ugb-ca4afd9 h4,.ugb-ca4afd9 h5,.ugb-ca4afd9 h6{color:#ffffff}.ugb-ca4afd9 p,.ugb-ca4afd9 li,.ugb-ca4afd9 table{color:#ffffff}.ugb-ca4afd9 a,.ugb-ca4afd9 a:visited,.ugb-ca4afd9 a:focus{color:#ffffff}.ugb-ca4afd9 a:hover{color:#ffffff}.ugb-ca4afd9-content-wrapper > h1,.ugb-ca4afd9-content-wrapper > h2,.ugb-ca4afd9-content-wrapper > h3,.ugb-ca4afd9-content-wrapper > h4,.ugb-ca4afd9-content-wrapper > h5,.ugb-ca4afd9-content-wrapper > h6{color:#ffffff}.ugb-ca4afd9-content-wrapper > p,.ugb-ca4afd9-content-wrapper > ol li,.ugb-ca4afd9-content-wrapper > ul li{color:#ffffff}.ugb-ca4afd9.ugb-container{margin-top:0px !important;margin-bottom:0px !important}<\/style><div class=\"ugb-inner-block\"><div class=\"ugb-block-content\"><div class=\"ugb-container__wrapper ugb-ca4afd9-wrapper ugb--shadow-3 ugb--restrict-content-width\"><div class=\"ugb-container__side\"><div class=\"ugb-container__content-wrapper ugb-ca4afd9-content-wrapper ugb-content-wrapper\">\n<h2 class=\"has-text-align-center wp-block-heading\">NUGGETS OF GOLD a monthly blog by David Nofziger<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"has-text-align-center wp-block-heading\">When your spouse says, &#8220;We Need to Talk&#8221;<\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center\">March 1, 2020<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p><\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image is-style-default\"><figure class=\"alignleft size-medium is-resized\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/Dave-2-214x300.jpg?resize=186%2C261\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-178\" width=\"186\" height=\"261\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/Dave-2.jpg?resize=214%2C300&amp;ssl=1 214w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/Dave-2.jpg?resize=768%2C1076&amp;ssl=1 768w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/Dave-2.jpg?resize=731%2C1024&amp;ssl=1 731w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/Dave-2.jpg?w=894&amp;ssl=1 894w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 186px) 100vw, 186px\" \/><figcaption><strong><code>David Nofziger<\/code><\/strong><\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-background has-very-dark-gray-color has-very-light-gray-background-color\">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; These are four\nwords we often dread hearing from our spouse.&nbsp;\nWe immediately feel like we are being called into the Principal\u2019s\nOffice.&nbsp; The tension is building before\nhe or she has said a word.&nbsp; Let me give\nyou a typical scenario of what happens next.&nbsp;\nI will speak from a man\u2019s perspective since I am a man, but after more\nthan 35 years of marriage counseling, I have found that a woman often responds\nin much the same way.<br>\n&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; My spouse informs me that something\nabout my behavior is frustrating her, irritating her, or hurting her.&nbsp; I feel like I am being criticized or put down\nand immediately become defensive.&nbsp; Why\ncan\u2019t she just accept me as I am?&nbsp; Why is\nshe trying to change me?&nbsp; I may even\nbecome angry and go on the offensive by telling her what frustrates me about\nher behavior!&nbsp; At this point we both\neither shut down and nurse our wounds or else we get into a huge argument,\ndepending on our normal fight\/flight response.&nbsp;\nDoes all of this sound familiar?&nbsp; Wouldn\u2019t\nit be great if it didn\u2019t have to be this way?&nbsp;\nGuess what \u2013 it doesn\u2019t.&nbsp; But we\ndo have to change our thinking and even our vocabulary.&nbsp; <br>\n&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; First of all, the truth is, I don\u2019t\nwant to do anything that is frustrating, irritating, or hurtful to my\nspouse.&nbsp; I love her. &nbsp;Why then do I get so defensive?&nbsp; Because I am misinterpreting the whole\nsituation.&nbsp; She is not <em>criticizing<\/em> me or telling me I am a <em>bad<\/em> husband; she is just giving me some <em>feedback<\/em> about my behavior.&nbsp; For you see, I am very aware of how my\nspouse\u2019s behavior is affecting me because I am experiencing her behavior.&nbsp; But I do not experience my own behavior; I\njust behave, and much of that behavior is habitual.&nbsp; Yes, some of those bad habits I most likely\nestablished as a child.&nbsp; The only way I\ncan know how my behavior is affecting my spouse is if she tells me.&nbsp; Since in my heart of hearts, I don\u2019t want to\nfrustrate or hurt my spouse, then I want to be open to that feedback. <br>\n&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Let me tell you another secret \u2013 you\ncan change.&nbsp; Yes, I know change is hard,\nbut if you set some goals and practice, you can change any bad habit into a\nbetter habit.&nbsp; Don\u2019t give up if you mess\nup a few times, just keep practicing the new behavior over and over again.&nbsp; You will change!&nbsp; Plus, the best way to change is if you only\nwork on one thing at a time.<br>\n&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; So the next time your spouse comes\nup and says, \u201cWe need to talk,\u201d take a deep relaxing breath, have a seat and\nsay, \u201cYes dear.&nbsp; What would you like to\ntalk about?\u201d&nbsp; Then, hear what she is\nsaying and think about it rather than reacting.&nbsp;\nRemind yourself, she is just giving me feedback about how my behavior is\naffecting her.&nbsp; Make sure you understand\nwhat she is saying.&nbsp; You might respond by\nsaying, \u201cThank you for that feedback.&nbsp;\nLet me try to rephrase that in my own words to make sure I understand\nwhat you are saying?\u201d&nbsp; If she confirms\nthat you have heard her correctly, you can then say, \u201cI am going to set some\ngoals and practice doing what you have asked.&nbsp;\nI may forget at times because change is not easy, so I would appreciate\nit if you could let me know when I am getting it right.&nbsp; That will encourage me to keep going until I\ndo it naturally.\u201d&nbsp; <br>\n&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; When she gets over her initial shock\nthat you not only were willing to listen but were actually going to work on\nmaking a change, she may well respond by saying, \u201cIs there anything you would\nlike me to work on?\u201d&nbsp; It is always nice\nwhen we can both be making a change for each other to improve our\nrelationship.&nbsp; For you see, a\nrelationship grows the best as we make regular changes for each other as we get\nto know each other. &nbsp;If those changes\ncome one at a time throughout our relationship, we will adapt to each other and\nour relationship will continue to improve. <br>\n&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;\nThis will produce an ever-deepening love in your marriage because change\nis a sacrifice, and sacrificial love is the best love of all. &nbsp;That truth was best demonstrated when God\nsacrificed His own Son, Jesus Christ, on the cross that we might be reconciled\nto Him in love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>      <em><span style=\"color: #313131;\" class=\"ugb-highlight\"><strong>David Nofziger has been the director and lead counselor at Hope Alive Counseling Services in Defiance since 1989 and author of \u201cBrain Washed, Transforming Your Self-Image through the Amazing Love of God.\u201d He and his wife, Sue, attend Family Christian Center in Defiance where they head up the church\u2019s mission program. Visit <a href=\"http:\/\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/\">HopeAliveCounseling.com<\/a> for more information.<\/strong><\/span><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-background has-normal-font-size has-pale-cyan-blue-background-color\">Nuggets of Gold is a monthly Blog focused on Personal growth, Marriage Improvement, and Parenting Issues.  Your comments can be entered below.  They are always welcome and suggestions for future posts are appreciated.  Thank you for allowing me to share these thoughts with you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-background has-medium-font-size has-very-light-gray-color has-vivid-red-background-color\">To<a href=\"http:\/\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/blog1\/#respond\"> subscribe to this blog and receive monthly emails when new blogs are published,  simply click here and type &#8220;Subscribe&#8221; in the comment box.<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image is-style-default\"><figure class=\"alignleft size-medium is-resized\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/BrainWashedMockup-e1565654417389-227x300.png?resize=297%2C393\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-206\" width=\"297\" height=\"393\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/BrainWashedMockup-e1565654417389.png?resize=227%2C300&amp;ssl=1 227w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/BrainWashedMockup-e1565654417389.png?resize=768%2C1014&amp;ssl=1 768w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/BrainWashedMockup-e1565654417389.png?resize=775%2C1024&amp;ssl=1 775w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/BrainWashedMockup-e1565654417389.png?w=1318&amp;ssl=1 1318w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 297px) 100vw, 297px\" \/><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-background has-medium-font-size has-very-light-gray-background-color\">BRAIN WASHED Transforming Your Self-Image Through the Amazing Love of God, by David Nofziger.<br><br>If you enjoy &#8220;Nuggets of Gold,&#8221; I would like to recommend this book to you which brings you an entire pot of gold.   This pot of gold is not at the end of an imaginary rainbow, but is found in the transforming power of the love of God.  <br><br>The key to fulness of life is discovering who we are in Christ.  Our self-image is one of the most important factors affecting our growth and wellbeing, and we need a Christ-Centered Self-Image.  In this book you will learn how to allow the truth of God&#8217;s love to penetrate deep into your heart and transform you in such a way that you take on the &#8220;Image of Christ.&#8221;<br><br>All profits from books that are sold through the <a href=\"http:\/\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/resources-2\/\">Hope Alive Counseling<\/a> Website go to counseling scholarships for clients with financial needs. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-ugb-button ugb-button-wrapper ugb-fd661c4 ugb-button--design-fullwidth ugb-main-block\" id=\"\"><style>.ugb-fd661c4 .ugb-button1{background-color:#2f81a7;border-radius:5px !important}.ugb-fd661c4 .ugb-button1 .ugb-button--inner,.ugb-fd661c4 .ugb-button1 svg{color:#ffffff !important}.ugb-fd661c4 .ugb-button1:before{border-radius:5px !important}<\/style><div class=\"ugb-inner-block\"><div class=\"ugb-block-content\"><div class=\"ugb-button-container\"><a class=\"ugb-button1 ugb-button ugb-button--size-normal\" href=\"http:\/\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/brainwashed-preview\/\" rel=\"\"><span class=\"ugb-button--inner\">Preview The Book<\/span><\/a><\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>NUGGETS OF GOLD a monthly blog by David Nofziger When your spouse says, &#8220;We Need to Talk&#8221; March 1, 2020 &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; These are four words we often dread hearing from our spouse.&nbsp; We immediately feel like we are being called into the Principal\u2019s Office.&nbsp; The tension is building before he or she has said a [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"plain-container","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"disabled","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"enabled","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[4],"class_list":["post-486","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-marriage","tag-marriage"],"featured_image_urls_v2":{"full":"","thumbnail":"","medium":"","medium_large":"","large":"","1536x1536":"","2048x2048":""},"post_excerpt_stackable_v2":"<p>NUGGETS OF GOLD a monthly blog by David Nofziger When your spouse says, &#8220;We Need to Talk&#8221; March 1, 2020 David Nofziger &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; These are four words we often dread hearing from our spouse.&nbsp; We immediately feel like we are being called into the Principal\u2019s Office.&nbsp; The tension is building before he or she has said a word.&nbsp; Let me give you a typical scenario of what happens next.&nbsp; I will speak from a man\u2019s perspective since I am a man, but after more than 35 years of marriage counseling, I have found that a woman often responds in much&hellip;<\/p>\n","category_list_v2":"<a href=\"https:\/\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/category\/marriage\/\" rel=\"category tag\">Marriage<\/a>","author_info_v2":{"name":"David Nofziger","url":"https:\/\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/author\/admin\/"},"comments_num_v2":"10 comments","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/486","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=486"}],"version-history":[{"count":22,"href":"https:\/\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/486\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":676,"href":"https:\/\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/486\/revisions\/676"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=486"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=486"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/hopealivecounseling.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=486"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}